So You Want to Breastfeed in Ireland?

This week the Irish Parenting Bloggers are doing a blog march for World Breastfeeding Week.  There have been some amazing posts so far and I encourage you to browse!

So you want to breastfeed in Ireland, eh?  Well here are some home truths from some one who's been there and done that despite being one of the less than 1% who cannot physically breastfeed. 

First thing you need to know and probably won't like to hear.... the system and culture is set up so you are almost destined to fail.  What do I mean by this?  I mean that support in the medical system is scant at best and when it's there you have to actively seek it out.  Nine out of ten times your PHN, GP, Midwife and even some hospital lactation consultants are probably not up to date on breastfeeding best practice and advice. I find that at the first sign of trouble they are wont to offer a bottle as a solution.

This does not stop with the medical profession. Our closest support -partners, mothers, the dreaded-mother-in-law, friends, sisters, cousins - are often wont to offer similar advice.  When you have a baby, every one has an opinion and though usually well meant, these opinions can be anything but helpful.  Sylda discusses some all too familiar scenarios in her post this week. Most of our mothers and mothers-in-laws did not breastfeed.  Any attempt you have to do things differently is often met with "sure didn't you/partner turn out grand?" and the misguided assumption that because you are choosing to do something differently from them, you are disparaging the choices they made. Our culture is obsessed with babies being "good" and people are genuinely not familiar with how a biologically normal (i.e. breastfed) baby behaves. Even on my third child on the dreaded day three my own mother kept saying things like "Is that baby feeding AGAIN!?" *sigh*

So if you really want to breastfeed, how do you get around this classic Irish setup for failure?  I spoke with some of the amazingly knowledgeable and experienced women on the Extended Breastfeeding Ireland Facebook Group to get some advice and ideas! 

1. Do your research!

When you decide you want to breastfeed, research ahead of time.  The usual pregnancy books tend to just gloss over breastfeeding, with some of them subtly undermining it.  Learn about the realities of what to expect.  Many Irish women give up in the first two weeks, because they truly are the hardest.  Breastfed newborns feed a LOT! People are not used to this and will give you bad advice.  Breastfed babies will also lose a lot more weight after they're born. This can also be added to if you receive fluids during labour. Medical professionals tend to freak out when they see this weight loss or jaundice and immediately advise supplementation.  Supplementation this early will really hurt your supply and overall journey, so you need to research ahead of time and have a plan in place for if and when this happens.  Get yourself a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.  It's published by La Leche League and is a phenomenal resource.  Get it ahead of time and read all about the early days and what to expect. Keep it for when after the baby is born as you will refer to it many times.  Most Irish libraries have a copy.  Jack Newman's book is also an excellent resource, especially if you run into problems.  His online handouts are exceptional as well. Familiarise yourself with all this information.  Kellymom is a fantastic online resource that will tackle any myths you might encounter or problems that might occur.  Read read read.... have realistic expectations and try to find out about other Irish women's experiences and how they dealt with and overcame problems both physical and with the system.

2. Get Support in Advance

I cannot stress this one enough. Go to a breastfeeding group before baby is born!  Please, if you do nothing else on this list, this one could make or break it for you.  I always thought these meetings would be full of hippies and "breastapo", but guess what, they are all just normal mammies like you doing their best.  The advice, support and camraderie received in these groups is second to none, but most importantly if you go to a few meetings in advance you will have a built in support group when baby comes along.  On my second daughter the PHN was telling me to do things that didn't sound right and I rang up one of the leaders from the group I'd been going to for advice.  She was over to my house within an hour popping the kettle on and helping me with latching, sending me to bed with Ciara and watching Ella while we nursed.  Amazing!  Not to say they will all be like this, but those first few weeks are fraught with emotions and hormones and even when you are well read and think you are well prepared sometimes the pressure from a PHN  or GP can have you doubting yourself.  A phone call to someone who has been where you are is often enough to give you the confidence and wherewithal to carry on. The meetings are informative and fun and can be a great way to make friends, especially if you are (or will be) a new Mum.  If you can't get out, find a local group on Facebook or join the absolutely phenomenal EBI group, the women of which seem to be able to help with just about anything and most importantly give you the reassurance that what you are facing is normal and fixable!

3. Educate and inform your family

If you are planning on breastfeeding it is imperative that you inform and educate your family and close support.  You need to prepare your partner especially well.  Let them know realistically that you will be out of commission for a few weeks while you establish breastfeeding. Let them know that you will need help - emotional, practical and physical. Let them know what to expect, that breastfed babies feed often in the first few weeks and that sleeping through the night is not a goal. Make sure your partner is aware of your preferences for birth as well. If you do end up in a situation where you cannot speak for yourself, he/she needs to be able to be your voice.  If you want to breastfeed they need to be able to advocate on your behalf. They should be aware of the various arguments medical professionals might use to support supplementing and be able to counter them, if so desired. Talk to your Mum/Mother-in-law about breastfeeding.  Maybe you'll be lucky and find out they did it and support you, but if not, make sure you tell them that their support is imperative and suggesting bottles or routines will not help.  Keep them busy with other methods of helping such as laundry, cleaning and cooking meals. Mums love to feel useful, make it happen!  Make sure your partner is on board here too, if his/her Mum is talking to them on the sly or trying to tell them you are doing things wrong, it can often reverberate back to you and have an impact on your relationship and emotions. Make sure they know where you stand and are on the same page.

4. Assume you can do it!

This one came up a few times on EBI.  Assume you can do it.  This is what your boobs are made for! Very few people cannot physically breastfeed (I should know, I am one), yet many seem to think they can't due to poor education and bad advice.  There are very few breastfeeding problems that can't be fixed with a bit of education and knowledge and a good lactation consultant (note: the hospital ones are not necessarily the best - if needed, I would recommend seeking out a private one, fees can generally be claimed back through insurance.)  Don't listen to negative stories and keep in mind that the majority of people who say they couldn't breastfeed or didn't make enough milk are most likely misinformed and received bad advice, a classic system failure.

5. Follow your instinct

The best advice I can give any parent is to go with your gut.  If it feels right, do it, naysayers be damned. If someone gives you advice, even a GP or PHN and it doesn't feel right, get a second opinion.  If a routine feels right for you, go for it, if you want to carry your baby, go for it, if you prefer a buggy, go for it.  Don't let anyone tell you what's right for you.  Listen to your baby, listen to your heart and you will find the right path.  Some people are of the persuasion that if you breastfeed you must co-sleep, baby-led wean, baby wear, cloth nappy etc etc.  That's not the case. It's not an all inclusive lifestyle. Mothers from all walks of life and all forms of parenting backgrounds breastfeed, which is precisely why I love the diverse support meetings so much.    Do what is right for you, end of story!

6. Don't feel guilty

One of the wisest things my mother ever told me was that no one else can make you feel guilty.  Guilt is a choice, a choice that brings you and people around you down. If you did the best you could, then so be it. Accept that and don't feel bad, be happy with what you achieved and be happy for other mama's who achieved differently. If you do feel guilty - examine why - don't let it hamper you. You are an amazing mama and whether you lasted a day, a week, a month or a year, every single drop made a difference to your baby and you. Don't assume that just because you see or hear someone promoting breastfeeding that they are judging or undermining your decision to wean early or not even start, because as a self-proclaimed "lactivist" I can assure you, we are not.  What works for one mum may not for another and the most important thing is that you do what is best for YOU and your baby!

What other pieces of advice would you add? I'd love to hear from you in the comments!

This post is part of the Irish Parenting Bloggers BlogMarch in support of World Breastfeeding Week running from 1st to 7th August 2013. You can read more about World Breastfeeding Week 2013 here. 

The Irish Parenting Bloggers’ focus is on community support, particularly in the form of peer-to-peer support and the BlogMarch features our varied breastfeeding experiences, including our experiences with breastfeeding support in Ireland. The full list of posts is available on mama.ie here.

A Heartbreaking Decision

Just over a month ago I came to the very difficult decision to stop nursing, or rather, my son did.  For those of you who know my story, you will know that I have Insufficient Gland Tissue or Breast Hypoplasia, meaning I cannot produce a full supply of milk.  I did everything this time around everything that should help supply for normal mothers coupled with every possible combination of drug, herb or physical remedy known to (wo)man.  For the first three months of his life I was constantly attached to a pump, SNS and/or baby.   It quickly became apparent that I couldn't keep this up with two older kids to look after as well.  For those of you who have never nursed with an SNS let me tell you that a few ounces can take well over an hour for baby to consume at which point it's time to pump then time to nurse again and so on and so forth.  I began to introduce a small bottle after he nursed and predictably he grew to prefer the bottle and reject the breast.  I tried to wean him back onto the breast using the SNS but he was not having any of it.  Nursing became a constant struggle and eventually he flat out refused to latch.  This was so hard for me, because my second daughter had had bottles too, but she always preferred to nurse and comfort nursed even when there was nothing there.

The decision to stop was heartbreaking.  I just wanted to be able to do what nature intended.  When he cried I wanted to be able to comfort him, not frustrate him further.  Although I had been getting donor milk, I didn't feel it was fair to ask other women to pump for me when I was giving up myself, so I knew I would be switching him to formula.  I tried to keep pumping, but without the stimulation from nursing I would maybe get a few milliliters a day. Note on my best supply days I would barely get a full ounce for the entire day, if that gives you any indication of the severity of the supply problems here.

This whole journey has been an incredible one, as each child is.  My birthing experience was absolutely amazing and surpassed any expectations I might have had.  It was empowering and inspiring and made me feel like a strong and powerful woman.  My little boy is absolutely wonderful and makes my heart smile everytime I look into those beautiful blue eyes of his.  But my body let me down and the breastfeeding relationship I longed for never came to be.

In the process of this pregnancy/birth/lactation experience I have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing women who suffer with the same condition both at home and abroad through the IGT Support Group and an Ireland specific Low Supply Group I setup earlier this year.  Nothing helps more than a sympathetic ear from someone who has been through the exact same thing.   The four ladies who so graciously gave us donor milk will forever be in my heart.  To think that complete strangers (now friends) took the time and energy to do something so intimate for my little boy is truly overwhelming.  I'm not quite sure if I'll ever be able to express how much their sacrifice meant to me.  Someday when he has his own children and understands about breastfeeding, I will tell him about the women who helped him thrive in the early days.  I will be forever grateful to these women.

I have learned much from this particular journey.  I have learned that although my body lets me down with each child I bring into the world, there is support and people out there who will step in and help you and restore your faith in your ability to mother.  I have also learned that their are people out there who will never understand or care to try to.  Those people are best ignored.

I was in Howth yesterday giving Mark a bottle and I recognised a woman from some of the other "natural parenting" facebook groups.  The look of disdain she gave me when she saw me feeding him a bottle was truly shocking.  How dare she judge me?  She has no idea what I've been through.  It took me more effort to feed my baby for one day than it will her to feed all three of hers for a lifetime.  It's the one thing I've really learned in all this.  You cannot judge, you DO NOT KNOW.  I wanted to shout at her, to tell her how ignorant she was, but really what would that achieve?  We need to support other mothers no matter what their choices and we cannot assume just because we see someone with a bottle that they were too lazy to even give it a try.  When it comes to breastfeeding, Mamas with IGT are anything but lazy.  We need support too, we need to feel welcome into the breastfeeding community without being made to feel we are failures.  We need caring and loving glances from other mothers, not looks of ignorant judgment. I have spoken before how I too am often guilty of this and I know myself that it's something we all can improve upon.  Sometimes I just wonder why I had to care... why I couldn't have been one of those Moms who didn't care at all about breastfeeding?

My little man and I are onto new pastures and I try not to let this all get me down, but sometimes when I get one of those looks like I got yesterday or see another Mama nursing, it sends a regretful chill through my body and makes me question myself all over again.  Baby Led Weaning is proving an amazing success and a great amount of fun, so it's time to move onwards and upwards and explore this brave new world with my little guy.

Thanks to everyone who offered support, advice and loving thoughts on this rocky journey.

The Long Awaited Arrival of Our Little Boy

Smiling between contractions, clary sage in hand!

As some of you know, I had been planning a homebirth for our third child.  In order to do so I needed to get to 37 weeks. This might seem like no problem to most people, but my babies tend to show up right around that mark. The deadline was Saturday February 25th.  The Saturday before I started having contractions and was devastated I would end up in the hospital.  After speaking with the midwife and having a few glasses of wine things slowed down and I made it through to Thursday, which was still two days before the magic 37 week mark.  Contractions started in earnest and at 4am we decided to ring the midwife to come out.  She didn't think things were progressing much and went home when I was 2cm.  It was devastating, the pool was filled and everything.  This pattern continued for almost two weeks. Hubby had finished work because we were sure things were imminent.  I felt like such a failure.  Contractions, bloody show, the whole lot and then nothing.

Eventually I stalled at 4cm and stalled for several days.  On Wednesday the midwife came to see me and did some acupuncture.  I noticed things picked up a bit that night and I was awoken a few times with strong contractions.  At 6:30am I woke up when my body decided to clear itself out, after which I went back to bed.  At 7:43, two minutes before my alarm was due to go off I was awoken with a pop and a gush as my fore waters broke.  Talk about a shock!  We were so excited as it meant FINALLY things were kicking off.

Labouring in the pool

I texted the midwife and my Mom and let them know what was going on.  I was also keenly aware that due to the ridiculous laws surrounding homebirth in Ireland, this would put me on a clock and if I hadn't gone into labour within 24 hours I'd be sent to Mullingar to argue my way out of unfounded procedures.  By the afternoon contractions were present but highly irregular.  The midwife came out to check on me around 3pm and reassured me that I would go into labour before the deadline. She did some more acupuncture and gave me some homeopathy. She thought that when the girls went to bed things would kick off and she was right.

Around seven contractions started to get stronger and once the kids were in bed my parents came and things really started to kick off.  I had been listening to my Gentlebirth tracks which had been keeping me quite calm and composed.  I called the midwife and asked if I could get into the pool and she agreed and said she'd be on her way.  The pool was literally bliss, but it did slow things down a bit.  When Aisling arrived she checked me with my permission and asked me to get out of the pool. I was 5cm and once I was out she asked me to go lie down upstairs without anyone watching me as she thought I would progress more.  I put on the hypnobirth tracks again and things picked up a bit.  I came back downstairs around midnight and asked to get back in the pool. Things were picking up but still manageable.  My hind waters broke at this stage and I felt crazy leaking everywhere.  She called another midwife to come out which I knew meant things were imminent.  I decided I wanted my Mom there and Paul rang her to come.  I was in the pool when they arrived and I was getting quite vocal according to my notes.  I kept expecting to hit that wall I had hit in previous births where I gave in and wanted every drug on the planet.  (I never did give in, but I sure wanted to!)  I don't know if it was the fact that I knew that wasn't an option or if the Gentlebirth had helped me or if I was just older and wiser, but it never happened.  There were a few moments where I thought I couldn't do it but I just reminded myself of how lucky we were and how much I had to be grateful for and it got me through.

Contractions were coming quickly and intensely and I evidently woke up my 7 year old who came downstairs.  Her Grandad kept her entertained as I continued to labour.  I began to feel some pressure and Aisling asked me to get out of the pool as it was now too cold for the baby.  Getting out was torture, I thought he was going to come any minute, but it turns out I had plenty of time.  Baby was still posterior as we entered the pushing stage.  His posterior position was responsible for the lengthy labour, the stopping and starting and the SROM.  Having had severe tears on my daughters I was determined to try and avoid a repeat performance this time, so I really took my time with the pushing stage.  Aisling was amazing, there was no yelling at me or telling me what to do.  She said once or twice to listen to my body and I felt so respected and listened to throughout.  They would check the fetal heartbeat between contractions but otherwise I was left to my own devices.  On the girls births as soon as I felt the need to push I just let loose and pushed until they were out, damned if I was going to drag things out.  This time I just let my body do the work.  It meant letting him go back in between contractions but the relief between them was so worth it.

Paul and my Mom were amazing at this stage, wiping my brow with a cold cloth and draping my neck with one; they were both so encouraging.  Towards the end I remember thinking it had to be the last push, I could feel him crowning and then the contraction stopped.  The midwife told me he went back in and I called him a bastard which made everyone laugh.  I was kneeling and leaning over the couch at this point.  I could feel the head mostly out and could feel his face coming, it was amazing being so present during this stage, (I had entonox (gas and air) on my previous birth and felt stoned and stupid and out of control) I could appreciate every sensation and really listen to my body.  I felt his face come and someone asked me to give a tiny push and the next thing I knew I felt his whole body slither out and the relief and love was instant at a precise 3am.  He didn't cry for a few seconds but when he did my heart sang.  Paul was crying and I asked if it was definitely a boy and was assured he was.  The cord was short so we had to fenagle me around to hold him and when I did it was love at first sight, he was just gorgeous.  I sat there on the floor with him for what seemed like a blissful eternity.  He nursed like a champ and both Paul and I had plenty of skin-to-skin time with him.  His sisters got to meet him right away and were besotted.

It was an incredible experience that everyone involved with couldn't get over.  I felt so respected and well taken care of throughout my pregnancy and birth and afterwards.  If I were to do it again (and that's a big if, mostly dependent on himself!) I would go no other way. I feel so empowered as a woman.  Mark Russell weighed in at 10 pounds 9 ounces and I didn't need any stitches.  It's only been 36 hours but the recovery so far has been night and day from my other births.  I've very little pain other than the usual afterpains when nursing and I feel very energetic.  Mark is a little dote, feeds well and is very contented.